We live in a time when it’s easier than ever to get swept up in outrage, division, and a sense of superiority. Acting out of a sense of obligation to make things better and to stand for what is right is a powerful motivator. But here’s the truth: self-righteousness narrows and isolates, while righteousness holds potential for grounding and connection – even across dimensions of difference. On this episode of The Space In Between, I explore the crucial difference between these two ways of being, why it matters so deeply right now, and how four simple practices that can help us stay grounded in a mindset and heart-space where we can hold convictions firmly while resisting the temptation to diminish others in the process.
Righteousness vs. Self-Righteousness
On the surface, righteousness and self-righteousness may look alike. Both involve strong convictions about right and wrong. But their essence could not be more different.
Righteousness, at its best, is about acting from deeply held ethical or moral convictions—values such as justice, compassion, kindness, empathy, and the protection of what we hold dear. It means striving to stay aligned with those convictions, and maintaining integrity between belief and action. In short, righteousness is living with consistency, authenticity, and humility.
When rooted in righteousness, our convictions serve as a North Star. They inspire social movements that expand dignity and freedom: civil rights, women’s suffrage, marriage equality, Indigenous sovereignty. Righteousness creates the conditions for listening, empathy, and progress.
Self-righteousness, however, is the mischievous cousin of righteousness. It often creeps in unnoticed. It narrows perspective, fuels hubris and pride, and elevates us by looking down on others. Where righteousness is expansive, self-righteousness constricts. It says, “My way is the only way.”
The impact on our inner lives is just as real. When we slip into self-righteousness, our bodies tense, stress hormones rise, and listening with an open heart becomes nearly impossible. We lose our ability to see others as fully human—and in doing so, we lose part of our own humanity.
Why This Matters Now
These distinctions are not just philosophical—they are urgent.
We are living in an era marked by deep distrust, heightened anxiety, rising rates of mental illness, and sadly – a steady erosion of once sacred democratic norms. Social media amplifies outrage. Leaders disappoint. And in our daily interactions—whether at work, in politics, or in our closest relationships—it’s easy to feel offended, indignant, or morally superior.
In these moments, it is tempting to drift into self-righteousness. After all, it can feel good, even justifiable. We all have experiences where we are legitimately aggrieved, or we see horrible injustice around us. But when we live in a space of ego driven self-righteousness, we lose clarity and diminish our ability to be effective leaders, advocates, or partners. We risk becoming reactive rather than grounded, divisive rather than connective.
Staying true to righteousness—humble, open, and deeply aligned with our values—keeps us steady in the storm. It allows us to hold firm to our convictions while still offering grace, empathy, and compassion.
Most importantly, the purest expression of righteousness allows for the feelings of being wronged or acknowledging the wrongness of injustice and calls us to act from a place of making things better. We can do this and also not be led by a sense of superiority.
Four Practices to Stay in Righteousness
So how do we resist the pull of self-righteousness and re-center ourselves in righteousness? The path is simple, though not always easy. Four practices, drawn from my own journey and from rich conversations with fellow seekers, can help.
1. Know Your Boiling Points
Each of us has moments when emotions flare. We feel charged up, ready to attack someone else’s views or behaviors. These are our boiling points. The gift is in recognizing them. Self-awareness at these moments gives us agency—the ability to choose whether to react from anger and superiority, or to pause, breathe, and re-ground ourselves. That pause is a powerful act of leadership and self-care.
2. Seek Other Seekers
Community is essential. Spend time with people who are genuinely curious, open, and committed to growth—even if they don’t share your specific views. These conversations are healing and expansive. I’ve experienced this myself in groups like the International Women’s Forum, where dialogue helps us hold our convictions while bridging divides. Seek out spaces where the shared goal is wisdom and connection, not winning.
3. Watch Your Language
Language shapes reality. All-or-nothing words (“always,” “never,” “only”) shrink our imagination and reinforce self-righteousness. Most situations have nuance. By choosing words that create spaciousness, we open possibilities for understanding and collaboration. Small shifts in language can have a profound impact on whether we close doors or open them.
4. Tell Stories
Stories are among the most powerful tools we have to stay grounded. When we share authentic stories, defenses drop, stress levels lower, and our shared humanity comes into focus. Storytelling helps us see one another not as enemies, but as people—people who may disagree deeply, yet are still worthy of dignity. As my friend MeiMei Fox reminds us, stories are bridges. They make it harder to feel superior and easier to connect.
The Way Forward
Righteousness is not about softening our convictions or looking away from injustice. It’s about holding those convictions firmly while resisting the temptation to diminish others in the process.
Staying in righteousness helps us live with integrity, humility, and clarity. It allows us to advocate fiercely for what matters, while also recognizing the humanity in others. It is the way we stay grounded, even in a fractured world.
If you find yourself slipping into self-righteousness—as we all do—remember these practices. Know your boiling points. Seek other seekers. Watch your language. Tell stories. Each one is a pathway back to center, back to the North Star of righteousness.
The times ahead will continue to test us. But by staying grounded in righteousness, we can lead with compassion, create space for connection, and keep showing up as the fullest versions of ourselves.
